August 2001 - June 2005
McTrafik.Net

WARNING: This page is not for potential employers. It's for friends. If you are trying to assess my professional skills or anything of the sort, I promise you, you will not find anything here. So unless you are bored or are deeply interested in my emotional state during High School, I urge you not to waste your time here. Everything YOU need to know is in my resume.
POEMS
Like all of us I was a depressed whiny little kid when I was in high school. I had a hopeless high school crush, I had dreams, aspirations and most of all free time that I didn't know what to do with. Needless to say I didn't have a girlfriend nor had sex.

Aside from making and re-making my homepage without making any content for it I sometimes wrote poems about girls and what a bitch life is.

P.S. Girls who did want to be with me, I didn't want to be with. Oh, and I was shy.

P.S. (2) I actually never wrote anything about people I loved. Just temporary crushes that come, overwhelm you, and then go away. Hm...
Moments (December 2005)
From the moment you marry till the moment you die All the happy and sad moments, your life passes you by From peak of your joy to the moments you cry You seldom notice the moments that are just flying by And your diary's entries only capture the times When nothing else matteres, the time doesn't fly It's from the joy of the moment, when you marry, you cry And from your diary entries, you smile before you die.
My Way (March 2005)
I'm thinking of you now It's hard for me to see I think I would like, to say That everything I do, And how it makes me feel I would like you to look, my way It's like I have a dream But it's never coming true So I'm sitting here, alone It's like I've always said I want to be with you But you keep telling me: 'Be gone!...'
Short Term Memory (August 2004)
One of those summers Where everyday you're bored I decided to load myself And went to work Nothing seemed to be joyfull Nothing made me look up Until I met her And fell quickly in love Days seemed to go faster Smile appeared on my face Time didn't matter no more Only her pretty face She was cute but obnoxious But that didn't matter to me Whenever I saw her I felt suddenly free No more frustration about assignments Oppinions of others didn't matter Only her wonderful presence My world seemed to flatter There was so much confusion Doubts, no one could speak Then I somewhy decided That it didn't matter to me I noticed I only woke up just to see her The only reason I ate so I would be alive So that when I see her I wouldn't suddenly die I don't know what slowed me down It didn't stop me before She was too popular there's no doubt But that not the reason for me to ignore Of course I know I had no chance Or at least my hopes weren't shown in my actions I tried to go around that phase But only looked at her reactions No matter what I did or try to do She seemed to me even cuter Until I finally realized A person like I could probably suit her My dreams were suddenly ended When she dissapeared from my world My final course of action Proved to be cowardly and not brave at all And now she's gone Most likely forever But I'm gonna miss her For ever and ever It's true there were never an 'us' I was just another guy at work My heart was truly, made out of glass But there was a big amount of hope Now dreams have all crashed I feel down, depressed Work doesn't matter Neither does all of the rest What saddens me the most Is that there's no memory In a couple of weeks She won't even remember me And I too will soon forget There are no pictures nor any words That's the thing I'll always regret I never hugged her when I was so close This poem is The only thing i got left to remind me Of Fabiola Lopez Who I liked so blindly How does this poem differ from the rest? Well, Fabiola, to me, you're the best
Wife (June 2004)
I open up my eyes She's standing over my bed I reach in for the gun under my pillow After my next breath one of us is dead Last night was a crazy night I came home drunk and we had a fight She was gone long, I was feeding the baby for two days I was worried sick, calling from place to place My wife behind my back Reflection shows a knife is in her hand I slowly push the trigger My next breat one of us is dead.
Short Term Memory (August 2004)
Late at night down the hall Dirty man pushed her against a wall He pressed a knife against her neck If she screames it's gonna crack But he missed one little thing Someone's gonna hear her scream If he doesn't stop right now He'll be dead in a couple of hours He goes under woman's skirt Doesn't care if it's gonna hurt Snow outside, frost on his ears The only warm thing is her tears No one sees the spirits flying No one hears these women crying Even if they're lucky not to die There're scars forever left inside If I spot him at the place He better run to save his ass If he thinks I will forget That's the last thing he'll regret.
Fabiola (June 2004)
In her eyes I see my life She's always there In my eyes she's all I see She's everywhere The only time I ever smile Is when she looks at me And If I could live with someone With her I'd be One gase at her pretty smile makes my day And if she say's "hello" to me I am so far away. In my dreams I think of her Don't wake me up If I scream she calms me down Oh please don't stop I am not alright, I'm not okay I'm very sick I'm hooked on her beyond my dreams Faviola, be with me.
Rap Abuser (February 2003)
Kill some time See for youself Nobody around you listens to rap Grab your stuff Run far away Be in a place where you kind can play Say 'bye, mom' Say 'bye, dad' Hopefuly you'll see them again before they're dead Timmy's dead Timmy was a loser He was just a stupid motherfucking drug-abuser Friends are gone You are left alone Run damn far away and sing your own songs
Nothing is Weird (December 2003)
At cold night alone and sweaty I look out the dirty window And I beg the wind to take me I wake up all mad and sweaty Thinking of the ones who're crying Seeing their desparate faces Knowing someone else is dying I would like to say word 'baby' Hoping she would say the same thing All I get is crushal 'maybe' Like a bullet piercing through me Crossing the unknown horizon I would like to find some answers Poisoned blood is flowing in me I could never be a dancer Open fridge all cold and empty I look for a drop of beer Anything that might now help me Nothing now to me is weird
How Stupid Do I Have To Be (April 2004)
How stupid do I have to be to believe that something's there when it's not? I felt unholy when u kissed me but the next day u changed your mind and broke my heart How stupid do I have to be U knew I loved u and said u loved me back You gave your heart to me And played with mine without noticing the crack How stupid do I have to be To tell u that I love u when I don't know for sure To think that I'm always free Then get heartbroken, and never find a cure How stupid do I have to be To think that we could be together on my terms U have ur own mind, I see My heart is not yet frozen, but it burns How stupid do I have to be To let my brain control my every action My poor heart, oh please forgive For only I, am the cause of your infection
Stupid Kid (October 2003)
I was a little kid, I was about nine Bullied in school, running in the night Friendless, alone at home I was playing games all night long When mom came,and game me money Saying, "We need some bread, honey" I was scared, I didn't know what to do With shiking hand I handled it the best I could I dressed up, and went outside. I've been to the bakery thausands of times. But this times mom wasn't around I was on my own, freaking at every sound I got to the store, browsing through stuff So many diffirent kinds, for which one did she ask? I took one, then another Then a third one, not to be bothered I stood in the line, all shaking I was little puppy on a dark street Home alone, never ate any meat Frozen and packed, I lied and saw dreams Like old toy which nobody needs Friendless, alone I grew up, and sat home Tied up to a chair, staring at screen That'd be my earliest memory. A grim person came in from behind With a knife, commanding me to stand outside Like a slave I obeyed, but I was afraid I was given the weapon, and told to go To a place, and bring something for all Like insects they were, living among myself My relatives if you prefer, but they were deaf No one responded to me, it was I Who just pretended to neglect sister's cries No time to think, I had to go I covered myself, and stepped out to the cold My memory is blurry, it's hard to see Even streetlights around are inspecting me But I'm not afraid, I have an armor Invisible warrior. No one can harm me. I went inside, and got what I need But no! I'm exposed! Why are they staring at me? I've committed a crime! They're using force No! Don't hurt me, should I feel remorse. But what's that? I'm struck by lighting I can't move, but no one is fighting me. They gave me change, and I didn't even look I just wanted to escape, take off, lock myself in my room Guided by hunting instincts, running away I took a step back, and looked at my prey I got it. Blood on my teeth, I look up They're after me. Senses kicked in, I fell to the ground I gave up the pray, and rolled my eyes down With no time to spare, I took what I had Speechless like my tongue was ripped away I ran through the darkness without any delay I went upstairs and put down the bread Didn't say 'hi' or even 'here, dad'. Face down my pillow, I lied in bed Wishing, my mother wouldn't have given me that money today.
Dismay (February 2004)
I really wanted to show up But something stood in my way I wanted to be there But I got lost in dismay And now I try again I try even harder But it doesn't come up And then I wonder I think of something to show I show you somthing you need I know it scares you Glow is what I have hid. You try to give me a chance But I always screw up You aske me for a dance But I fall from the top You try to show me the way But I preted to be blind You overcome your dismay But I continue to fight
Untitled (February 2004)
Because I love you, and nothing ever stops me Because I care, and it prevetents me from My dear darling, don't be my reffery I don't want your doubts to turn into storm I know the secret of the very dark force I know it is hard, to always seem lost Keep your heart away from those who love you Trying to cheer, keeping inside you Thinking there'll be a reward thereafter But don't be confused, it won't be a loved one And try to brake away from spell that binds you Wash your memories, or they will hunt you
Untitled (February 2004)
I think I'd love to find to her To ask her how she is If she likes my kindess And will we ever kiss It's not that I'm scared It's not like I'm afraid I'd just like to get married And children to be made
Completed Rap (February 2004)
You think it's complicated, class? Being a fool and let you best years past? You try to live your best, your life at stake But then you realised it was a big mistake I was like everyone else when I was a kid I always used to gaze at Beverly Hills chicks I never thought I could get none, so I went on Got screwed up big time, when I talked to that blonde It wasn't like hell, it was more like Earth Mud pipes on the roofs and constant smell of cigars That way was leading me nowhere, but I didn't see I only saw party girls attracting me And now I sit here, a place that I hate I'd like to get out, but the chains don't brake And you better listen, for you know I'm right Maybe not now, but there'll be that night
Wake Up (January 2004)
With my coat on I lie in a bed I feel hot tears on my head I wish my heart would just stop Please somebody don't let me wake up I don't have any frinds at all I think I might be too shy I dream of me continuously fall Oh how I wish it wasn't a lie I think of the future, present and past Thinking how friendships don't ever last And the thought of a right suicide Tempting me, crosses my mind If I ever die, would anyone cry? Will anyone write on my gravesign? I don't think they will, but what if they did? I can taste hot tears on top of my lips I pull the blanked on top of my head And then I see what it's like to be dead Oh I wish I had a heart attack Please somebody don't let me wake up
DIARY
I think it started out as one of those memory things, where I wrote things that I did because for some reason they seemed more valid to me that way. I always liked to write (but hated to read), I wanted someone (even a random person on the internet) to know what I did, and I needed to get old, and be able to have something to remind myself of what I did. I know my memory's not too good, so this is, for me. Plus, it's very nice to have a healthy outlet to vent into.

Although I have to say, I did lose a surprising number of friends because of keeping a public diary, and all-of-sudden my friends know more about my private life than I do (I forget, and I don't read my entries yet).
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